Selected Groucho

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me everything you know.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles."

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I drink to make other people interesting.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Oh are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.