Instructions for New Texans

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

There are no delis. Don't ask.

In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

Chili does NOT have beans in it.

Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven 

Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is. (or for some of you an F-350)

If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.

If you fail to heed my warning above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.'

If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.